Once A Thief (1991) - Movie Review

This movie isn’t actually quite so bad once you ignore all the corn and cheese. Hell, I’d even go so far to say it’s a good movie if only I could stop thinking about how randomly the comedy was thrown in. There’s action movies. There’s comedies. There’s even action comedies. What Once a Thief is is a movie that can’t seem to make up its mind and so after spending 108 minutes watching, I’m still not quite sure where this movie was trying to head.

This movie focuses on the life of 3 very successful art thieves, Joe (Chow Yun Fat), Jim (Leslie Cheung Kwok Wing) and Cherie (Cherie Chung). In flashbacks we get a bit of backstory and learn that they have an adoptive father (Kenneth Tsang Kong) and a godfather (Paul Chu Kong). The former is a thief, hence evil. And the latter is a cop, hence good. Joe, Jim and Cherie are caught somewhere in the middle.

We start off somewhere in France (yes, I am as shocked as you… HK actually paid and flew people somewhere further than the mainland) with our 3 leads planning their next heist. I’d advise you keep an eye on Cherie before she conveniently disappears from the action for most of the film. The 3 of them perform a spectacular highway heist complete with convertibles, motorbikes, dog piss, guns and parasailing. Remember when I was talking about random comedy? Well partway through parasailing, Joe starts performing mid air ballet. I have no further comment on that scene at this stage. Suffice to say, I am thoroughly lost as to how that idea got proposed in the first place.

After that successful job, the 3 agree to go after one last painting (actually its more like 2 since Cherie gets told to just go and wait somewhere while the guys have all the fun). And because of the fact that we aren’t halfway through the movie yet, this one has to go wrong. But not before we get a taste of the retarded humour that has possessed this film. Limbo anyone? Still, with the stunts these guys pull its quite easy to forget the stupid gags and jokes and thoroughly appreciate the action of 90s movie before all these SFX crap came into play. Of course the 90s was also the era where no one could count and every single gun had unlimited ammunition. So Jim gets shot, Joe removes the bullet, car chase ensues and Jim watches Joe disappear in an extravagant car/boat crash.

And that’s all the action you’re going to get for a while. The next part of the film is all filler as the remaining 2 main leads deal with their grief, find love, blah blah blah. Finally, Joe returns (you didn’t think he really died did you?) albeit in a wheelchair. Personally I found the wheelchair idea to be an ingenious one. Both on the parts of the movie and the character. It gives a great excuse to watch ballroom dancing with a wheelchair and no words can describe how smooth Chow Yun Fat pulls off his wheelie stunts. The wheelchair also gives rise to some of the weaker moments of Joe coming to screen, and for a HK movie, that’s about as much character development as one can get.

Again, all 3 agree to a final (yes, this one really is the final one… for the movie at least) heist and again Cherie gets told to go away and wait. Now what exactly was the point of her character again if she hardly ever gets used? Oh that’s right… we needed some romantic tension… because seriously… who really wants to just watch 2 guys go after paintings? A few complications and explosions later, our leads emerge victorious.

Then there is a faceoff between Joe and Jim and their adoptive father’s henchmen and we find out that lo-and-behold Joe isn’t actually a paraplegic. And someone must have been watching too many Home Alone movies but hey, a can of soda, a microwave and a basketball does an effective weapon make. The action that follows is a little hard to take seriously as someone convinced Chow Yun Fat to throw in a joke here and there. The effect, however, falls short of strategic comedy placement. Instead, it makes me want to whack certain people over the head with very hard and blunt objects until said people start fighting each other again. Without the lame gags. Leslie, on the other hand, seemed to have gotten the better end of the deal with regards to the action. Abseiling off the roof through a window to surprise one of daddy’s henchman was definitely a highlight.

The action draws to a close and guess who comes to clean up the mess? Godfather cop. One we’ve hardly seen throughout the film and one we’ll never see again. Finally, we get a reunion and Joe, Jim and Cherie all sail off to America happily ever after.

Actually I speak too soon. The credits reel shows up some rather bizarre footage of Joe having sprouted a beard and Jim and Cherie having sprouted 3 kids and the strange, strange life they lead together. Joe has now become a football-obsessed nanny who has trouble remembering that he needs to dust the baby and feed himself. No wait, that wasn’t quite right. The last we see of our leads is Joe accidentally throwing the baby off screen and a closeup of Jim and Cherie screaming Home Alone style.

In conclusion I think I can accept this movie as a great one. It has great action and a cast (actually, I just mean the 2 that were present during the whole movie) that has great chemistry. And no, I haven’t been brainwashed into continuously describing this movie as great. But I think I may need to book an appointment with my psychiatrist. I just need to get the random scenes of Chow Yun Fat breaking out into Hakka out of my head.

© Gonzo

The Trainwreck Named Yoyo's dress

Trust me, my head is hurting as much as yours. Last I checked, Yoyo and Ekin weren't even confirmed to be dating yet, so I'm 90% sure she cant be pregnant. Thanksgiving isn't even celebrated in HK, and if it were, it's not the right date. And I'm sure that Myolie got the role for the terror that is TVB's Bridget Jones remake. So what the hell is that train wreck that looks like she broke into Queen Latifah's wardrobe circa 'Bringing Down the House'?

Yoyo looks absolutely glowing, which is why it's more of a shame that she chose this ensemble. I don't even know where to start with it: the shapelessness? The colour that makes her look much older? The sleeves? The neck? God, the necklace, that whichever company sponsored is probably regretting? The leather strap watch? Or the hair, which looks like a fried birds nest?

Or maybe I'll just leave this review here, because I don't know how to write anything that could vaguely justify this outfit. Maybe...maybe, by a far, far fetch of imagination, the outfit would look a bit better with a waist-belt that has saved many other bags-as-dresses costumes. Maybe. But then maybe I just really want to believe that no one would make something this atrocious. Based on some other outfits HK celebs have worn though, I'm not putting any money on it.

© peggy jean

Starlet Fashaps

We've just invented a word - fashaps! A combination between fashion and mishaps, and voila...something is born! Much like the cast in this post - though what was born in their case, is a new definition of 'what not to wear in public'. Meet TVB's next generation of starlets.


Tavia Yeung, on the left, is one of my personal favourites amongst TVBs 'new blood'. She's actually gone through acting school, instead of taking the easy way out and entering beauty contests like Miss Hong Kong, and it shows in her series. She has, however, managed to fall into the potato sack trap, that claimed the likes of Yoyo Mung this year.

Focus on the bottom of the dress for a moment (i know for some of you, that might be hard to do). Now tell me that she doesn't look like a giant christmas tree with stockings hanging out of it. It's almost as though Tavia was gripped with this uncanny fear of Santa missing out on her stocking if she ever went far from home (although we're a month and a half away from Christmas), so she decided to bring it along with her. If Santa does come, I hope he buys her a new dress.


I know some of you are thinking that Shermon Tang doesn't deserve to be fashapsed for this ensemble. Sure, it looks a bit tacky, with the red accessories and $5 tank top feeling. But it's black, and you can't go wrong in black right? To those of you who're thinking that, I'd like you to focus on the bottom of her ensemble. Yes, the skirt/shorts. Now look closer. I can hear what you're thinking now. Are they..baubles? sequins? wait...no...they shine...are they...at this point, I have to admit that I haven't a clue in hades what they are. Sure, I can almost hear the collective groan of cheap plastic accessories that I had a collection of when I was, like, 7, but surely she couldn't have worn a skirt made of...those? Not to a TVB anniversary, where everyone can gauge how influential you are in the station?

Le Sigh. I wish someone would remind her that she did enter showbiz by taking part in a beauty contest. And that if she isn't exactly one of the prettiest TVB starlets, at least she could dress right. The things you get away with when your father has some influence in the powers that be in TVB...

Natalie Tong, second from the left, is:

(a) attempting to send a statement to TVB that she is getting such small roles in series that she cannot afford a proper dress

(b) stealing from her grandmother's wardrobe

(c) using the leftover materials from a self-designed velvet and lace curtain

Oh, the complexities of celebrities wardrobes.

© peggy jean

Meet Joe Ma

While we're not entirely sure he intended to come across as an avid fan of the great Cruella de Vil, there's something that screams 'murder' amongst the many layers of why-this-outfit-is-so-wrong. It's as though someone decided to throw together the greatest fashion faux-pas of the last century together on one outfit, and dragged Joe, high on happy-pills, to the mirrorless fitting room. And how I wish it really was just so.

I'll spare readers the picture of the cute animal that made the greatest sacrifice for the sake of the collar. The material that the jacket and matching pants are made from looks something similar to my Aunty Tina's suede sofa and matching curtains, circa 1950. Apparently, though, the designer was not satisfied with the sofa effect, adding satin to give the jacket a more 'bed' feeling. The deep v-neck does everything to remind us that Joe should, at his age, leave his playboy days behind him, and with the missing second button, probably the pizza-and-beer days too.

Light-catching material was never designed to be worn at events where photographer's flashbulbs are constantly going off, and this shows (how to word this politically correctly...) at the beginning of the pants. And the legs! The legs! I can so see it! The crazy, * designer kneeling at Joe's feet, drawling with his Parisian accent - "ze legs will be zjust fine! Eef we hem eet up..non, non, zat will draw away from ze beautiful suede...we muzt zjust pull ze legs up over ze boots! Zat is it!", before ordering his assistants to forcibly restrain Joe whilst pushing scarily space-looking genderless boots to complete the bizarre ensemble. And as Joe, in a fleeting moment of sanity, questions whether all the materials are really necessary, someone passes him a green bottle of absinthe as reassurance and...

...and well, pushed him off to the 2006 TVB anniversary gala, telling him that even though he wouldn't win best male actor, at least the next day he'd still feature in the magazines.

© peggy jean

We Are Family (2006) - Movie Review

The latest offering from music-kings Hacken Lee and Alan Tam, We Are Family is a comedy that fails in some aspects, but succeeds in one thing: making you feel good about wasting 100 minutes of your life watching yet another HK film.

Review

Alan Tam goes decidedly batty in this 2006 comedy, a hark back to the 90s HK-cinema era of feel-good movies. Whatever he was thinking when he signed up for it we’ll never know. Perhaps people have finally hit onto the fact that his concerts are now more disturbing than ever and he’s forgetting more lyrics than ever and he needed some extra income.

Even though that might be a possible hypothesis, that still doesn’t explain why everyone else signed up for the movie as well. Surely Hacken Lee’s music career is on a rise… if he hasn't already scared off all his fans in concerts of him wearing less and less material while his hair holds more and more product. Perhaps we can conclude that wherever Alan ends up, Hacken is bound to follow “Left Alan Right Hacken”-style.

But is it valid to extend this conclusion so far as to say where Hacken goes, Joey Leung Wing Chung will follow? At least Hacken landed an almost normal role (as normal as HK comedy protagonists get anyways) but who spiked Joey’s drink during the contract signing? Or was his career at an all time low after a certain fiasco we won’t delve into and he was desperate for anything. Including appearing in drag as an impossibly efficient wet nurse. And then popping up again in a strangely normal role as a completely different character of a completely different sex in a completely different country, most probably in an attempt to outdo Alan’s 3 and a half roles in the movie.

Of course, this is a review of the movie itself. Laughing at the actors’ inability to make sane career choices is just a bonus.

The movie starts off with Kit (Hacken), a corporate high-flyer, who has a lot on his plate: colleagues who dislike him, a girlfriend who wont believe the entire office is listening to their phone call about their romantic plans to get some action, and a boss who has taken almost too much a fancy to him (Bey Logan memorably touching Hacken too much for comfort). It appears things are about to get better for Kit, with his boss telling him the company is looking for a new CEO: and if Kit can get hitched soon (the company likes stability, and family men are stable), he's going to get the job. But as we know, things must always get worse before they get better. And he's about to go through the worst month of his life.

Kit promptly proposes for the eighth time to his girlfriend Fung, played by an overly animated Hu Jing, who accepts on one condition: that he must meet, and more importantly survive meeting, various members of her eccentric family. Who feels a Meet the Parents vibe coming on?

Simple enough, right? Not if you're watching a HK comedy. The relatives here would put the Focker's to shame, as we find out by first meeting Joey’s cross-dressed 'milk mum', who does exactly what her name describes, and with ample to spare based on the size of her umm… equipment. Living in the same village is Fung's grandmother (cross-dressed by Alan Tam in the first of his 3 and a half roles), complete with crude humour (Hacken gets accosted again by Grandma, Bey Logan style), culminating in a torturous few days spent surviving the advances of Grandma.

Kit's month gets worse as he finds out there are more relatives: Fung's dad (Alan with a wig) and mum (Law Koon Lan), who are grouchy and horny, respectively. Both stop at nothing to make Kit’s stay as uncomfortable as possible. Here, Law Koon Lan does her best Marilyn Monroe impression and Kit is left to attempt to hide in horror. Of course, it all turns out to be an innocent test and Kit once again wins approval of his future father and mother in-laws.

And as if that's not enough for him, there's still a brother in law in Singapore (played by Alan yet again), who runs a herbal medicine business which is competing with Kit's company. So funniness ensues as Kit gets caught up in the middle of a corporate war and tries to hide his identity as company manager from Fung’s brother as well as prevent his associates from sabotaging the family business (and of course his chance to hitch with Fung). Joey appears in Singapore as well, as an employee Fung’s brother, one that appears to do nothing besides standing around swatting flies.

So that’s 3 roles for Alan. Where’s the remaining half I hear you ask? Well that of course would be Fung’s other brother who randomly pops up here and there just to throw in a bit of confusion and “suspense”. Strangely enough, he appears at the very end of the movie to save the day and of course make use of his half-character.

If I were Kit I would've just found another girlfriend by now, but this is a HK feel-good comedy, and so we know that he'll make it through in the end. All we have to do to watch the happy-ever-after is sit through 100 minutes of toilet humour, and cultural references which are surprisingly funny if you do understand them.

The above being said, though, We Are Family is not a complete flop for some redeeming reasons. The formula used to mix We Are Family is tried and tested: take some celebrities, throw them a script with an easy story, sprinkle in as many gags and jokes as you can, and label the film as the feel-good family comedy of the year. The acting is completely overdone, which I hate to admit probably adds to the movie rather than detracting from it. The characters are complete caricatures, the lines are completely predictable yet unmemorable, and the ending is absolutely unbelievable: but the movie makes it work because it refuses to take itself seriously. And so it seems that Alan and Hacken have succeeded again, as they announced in their first concert tour: to 'sing HK happy'...except this time, they've made a movie so silly you're bound to feel better about yourself after watching it (unless you actually had something productive planned for those 100 minutes). But for us, that's good enough.

© Gonzo & peggy jean